ielts-yasi.englishlab.net

(Written Sept. 16, 2007)  

My 'Writing Blog' P.2 

Below is an email from a student. It contains his/her Task 1 & Task 2 for the Cambridge Practice Tests, Book 6. Following the essays are my comments and my grade.

*******************************

CAMBRIDGE IELTS 6 Test 2

TASK1

The table below gives information about changes in modes of travel in England between 1985 and 2000.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Average distance in miles traveled per person per year, by mode of travel

TASK 1

The table illustrates the average distance traveled per person in England by different means of travel between 1985 and 2000. By all traffic tools used by travelers, the total distance jumped from 4,740 miles in 1985 to 6,475 miles by the year 2000.

Compare each travel mode to another, it is easy to find that the distance of people choosing walking, bicycle and local bus as ways to travel went down during the 15-year period. Instead, distance of people traveling by car, long distance bus, train, taxi and other increased during the same period. The most significant increase was the distance of residents traveling by taxi, which raised up to 42 miles in 2000, approximately 3 times as it was in 1985 (13 miles). By contrast, the most obvious drop happened in travel tool of local bus. The distance people traveled by this means decreased from 429 miles to 274 miles in 2000.

In general, distance of residents traveling in England increased by approximately 36 per cent between 1985 and 2000 in all travel modes.

P1: 2 sentences, 43 words

P2: 5 sentences, 110 words

P3: 1 sentence, 22 words

Total: 8 sentences, 175 words

TASK 2

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

TASK 2

It has been argued that it is totally unfair that athletes earn much more money than professionals who succeed in other vital fields. Those who claim that it is unfair, however, ignore the unique character of sports profession: athletes represent not only themselves but also the image of the whole country. Considering this unique trait of sports, the conclusion could be drawn that it is reasonable for successful athletes to receive more income than others.

As we know, athletes represent the nation to attend sports games. Once they win, the reputation of the country is built. Since the reputation of the country is so precious that it cannot be measured by money, athletes should be paid more as a kind of reward to celebrate their achievements. Consequently, it is quite fair that successful sports professional gain more wealth than people in other important areas. Hold China as an example to support this phenomenon. When Chinese athletes win in Olympic Games, they would receive a large amount of money from not only the central government, but regional government as well in that they are considered to gain reputation of China and they deserve these rewards.

In addition, those who believe that it is unfair to pay athletes more than others ignore the connection between the success of athletes and the image of the nation. They focus on how much money athletes earn, rather than the importance of national reputation. Hence, this claim is irrational and unreasonable.

To conclude, it is justified and reasonable that successful sports professionals receive more income than other specialists in various areas in that they build positive images for both themselves and the whole nation.

P1: 3 sentences, 75 words

P2: 6 sentences, 119 words

P3: 3 sentences, 51 words

P4: 1 sentence, 33 words

Total: 13 sentences, 278 words

Task 1

Task Fulfillment: 8

Coherence & Cohesion: 7 Quite good usage of connective devices. (Better to use ‘On the other hand’ rather than ‘Instead’.) Just a little difficult to follow in places due to vocab/grammar errors and inappropriacies.

Vocab & Sentence Structure: 5 (Several minor errors)

Task 2

Arguments, Ideas & Evidence: 6. Range of arguments, ideas & evidence too narrow.

Your interpretation of the meaning of a "professional athlete" is different to what most foreigners would consider to be a "professional athlete". Most other countries do not reward Olympic Gold Medallists as well as China does for its Gold Medal winners. 

Most foreigners think of people such as Yao Ming or Tiger Woods when they think of professional athletes and the fact that you did not mention Yao or similar sportspeople leads me to believe that you are not sure of the wider meaning of a "sports professional". Yao Ming is the perfect example of an athlete who fits the description of, a " sports professional who earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions." Obviously, the original intention of the test question writer was for you to write about this group of athletes. In other words, athletes who primarily compete to represent their country, such as in the Olympic Games, Asian Games etc., are not the highly-paid athletes referred to in the question. Don't forget that IELTS Writing test questions are used throughout the whole world and therefore reflect the worldwide situation, not just the situation in China. For you to be aware of the world outside China, you need to read widely. 

The usage of the term, "sports professional" instead of, "professional athlete" implies that there are others who make their living from sport, besides the athletes themselves. Do you really understand the meaning of, 'professional'? A weakness in your essay is that you only referred to one sub-set of 'sports professionals'. Sports is now a business and top sports managers earn high salaries. You only referred to professional athletes.

It is true that Chinese Olympic Gold Medalists are well rewarded when they return to China and that many of them move on to rather well-paid positions (compared to other professionals) in the sports world as a result of their Olympic success. It is also true that these people can be labeled as "professional athletes" or, after they retire from competition, as "sports professionals" if they continue to work in the sports world. Furthermore, your argument that the value of national reputation far surpasses the value of most everyday achievements is an acceptable personal opinion, although this level of patriotism is unusual overseas, where foreign IELTS Writing test examiners come from. However there is one serious weakness in your choice of Chinese Olympic Gold Medallists as, "sports professionals" - their income is not a great deal more than that of other professionals such as doctors and engineers. It is important to be factually correct in a Task 2 essay.

Your idea of the value of national reputation was the only idea you presented in support of the high salaries of these sports professionals. If you had given more details about why national reputation is so important your argument would have been stronger and more convincing. IELTS examiners want to see several ideas, not just one. These several ideas could be several ideas that support a single central idea or they could be several central ideas. If you had discussed the value of national reputation in more detail, that would have qualified as 'several ideas'. 

Furthermore, you 'dismissed' all discussion of the other side of the argument by labeling their beliefs/feelings as, "irrational and unreasonable" simply because they do not have the same degree of nationalism as you. You did not give any further details about how or why their beliefs/feelings are, "irrational and unreasonable". This is not a good example of the kind of rational, logical argument that IELTS essays should contain. The essay instructions asked you to give your opinion and the opinion of the other side but you did not really do that in the balanced, 'academic' style that is expected in Western universities. To repeat: The style of writing that is expected in Task 2 includes your personal opinion and that of the other side of the argument, without making dismissive judgments such as calling those who disagree with your opinion, "irrational and unreasonable". [A 'dismissive judgment' seems to give you a good reason not to discuss the matter any further. But that is just an excuse, not a valid reason.]

Looking at the wording of the question again, we see that these words are included: "Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. " Basically, you gave your opinion concerning the justification for these higher salaries but you didn't really focus on the question of the fairness of these salaries; these two ideas are not the same, in fact, they are not even related. That is, the idea of 'unfairness' is really quite unrelated to ideas about the value of national reputation. Fairness involves a comparison with others to see if there is some kind of balance. The question says that, "others think this is unfair". Which 'others'? What unfairness? You did not touch on these questions. For the topic of this essay, 'others' are the people in other important professions, such as doctors, lawyers, engineers etc. The unfairness implied in this question is the fact that these other important professionals are much more educated than most professional sportspeople. The assumption is that educated (brain developed) people have a higher intrinsic value than those who are highly developed in physical skills and prowess because the assumption is that highly educated people contribute more to society than other people. Basically, this discussion is about the importance to society of professional sportspeople, relative to the importance of other professionals. This further leads to the question of how salaries should be determined - whether one's salary should rigidly reflect one's educational level, or whether salaries should reflect the importance to society of one's work, or whether 'market forces' should determine salaries.

If you had chosen to write about professional athletes such as Yao Ming, some of whom have annual incomes in the tens of millions of U.S. dollars, any comparison of such salaries with those of typical doctors, lawyers and engineers would have been pointless and ridiculous. The nature of the 'fairness' question would now be changed to the philosophical question of whether any one person should be allowed (by the system) to earn an income that is astronomical, compared to the average person, not just compared to professionals. Ultimately, this line of discussion leads to a re-examination of the socio-economic system itself. 

Traditionally, taxation has been the means to create some semblance of fairness among people but even a rate of taxation of 60% is possibly too low when we are talking about a personal income of tens of millions of U.S. dollars per year. 

Communicative Quality: 6.

It's relatively easy to follow your logic. And you did use some connective devices appropriately. 

However, there were patches where I had to pause to think about what you really mean. For example, your introduction was referring to professional athletes in general, (that means worldwide because you did not specify, 'in China']. It is important to understand that Task 2 topics are used all over the world. Therefore, the wording applies to the whole world, not just China. Yes, as an example, you can and should refer to what you know best, the situation in China. However, when you write about a situation that is unique to China, you must specifically mention that you are referring to China. (But first you have to know it is unique to China!) [What 'uniquely Chinese situation' was your introduction referring to? It was the idea that, "(professional) athletes represent not only themselves but also the image of the whole country". Most native English speakers such as IELTS Writing test examiners do not think that people such as David Beckham, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan (if he were still playing) or even Roger Federer are representing their countries to any great degree. But you might not be aware of this fact.]

In your writing, you should try to avoid causing the examiner to 'pause in order to consider your meaning' - if the reader has to do that, it means your meaning is not immediately clear. Remember, your overall aim in the Writing Test is to COMMUNICATE with the examiner, not to 'impress' the examiner. 

In the case of IELTS candidates, especially those from cultures or societies that are quite different to the main English-speaking cultures, you have to remember that you are communicating not just across language barriers, you are also communicating cross-culturally. This means you need to understand how China differs to say, Britain, Australia & the U.S. in terms of culture & social system. For Chinese candidates, you need to be aware that your culture & society is basically composed of two parts: a) the traditional Chinese culture & society that was strongly influenced by Feudalism, Confucianism, Daoism and Buddhism and, b) the modern Chinese culture & society that has developed in China since 1949. In both of these areas, Chinese people are quite distinctive, compared to people from most of the West.

Vocabulary & Sentence Structure: 6.

A few (minor) errors balanced by some well-written sentences and suitable vocabulary.

Total for Task 2: 6. 

Overall Writing Test total: Band 6.0 (Task 2 has more weight than Task 1)

Further Comments:

Speaking about professional athletes: These high salaries for some athletes result from the large amount of money that is connected with the advertising industry – the ‘saleability’ of athletes and their teams. 

Another fact is that more and more professional athletes are willing to represent their counties in the Olympics, in contrast to the situation a few years ago when these athletes were more concerned about making large incomes.

The richness of your ideas and the strength of your arguments (including the logic, not just the strength of your English) is VITAL for getting a good Task 2 score. This requires a certain level of general knowledge, maturity and sophistication.

Wide reading is the key to improving your writing ability.

****************************

  To Page 3

ielts-yasi.englishlab.net   

（写于 2007 年 9 月 16 日）

我的“写作博客”第 2 页 

下面是一份来自学生的电子邮件，其中包括他/她对于《剑6》中的 Task 1 和Task 2 习作。下方的内容即是我的评论与评分。

**********************************

《剑 6》 Test 2

TASK1

The table below gives information about changes in modes of travel in England between 1985 and 2000.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Average distance in miles traveled per person per year, by mode of travel

TASK 1

The table illustrates the average distance traveled per person in England by different means of travel between 1985 and 2000. By all traffic tools used by travelers, the total distance jumped from 4,740 miles in 1985 to 6,475 miles by the year 2000.

Compare each travel mode to another, it is easy to find that the distance of people choosing walking, bicycle and local bus as ways to travel went down during the 15-year period. Instead, distance of people traveling by car, long distance bus, train, taxi and other increased during the same period. The most significant increase was the distance of residents traveling by taxi, which raised up to 42 miles in 2000, approximately 3 times as it was in 1985 (13 miles). By contrast, the most obvious drop happened in travel tool of local bus. The distance people traveled by this means decreased from 429 miles to 274 miles in 2000.

In general, distance of residents traveling in England increased by approximately 36 per cent between 1985 and 2000 in all travel modes.

第 1 段：2 句话，43 个单词

第 2 段：5 句话，110 个单词

第 3 段：1 句话，22 个单词

总计：8 句话，175 个单词

TASK 2

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

TASK 2

It has been argued that it is totally unfair that athletes earn much more money than professionals who succeed in other vital fields. Those who claim that it is unfair, however, ignore the unique character of sports profession: athletes represent not only themselves but also the image of the whole country. Considering this unique trait of sports, the conclusion could be drawn that it is reasonable for successful athletes to receive more income than others.

As we know, athletes represent the nation to attend sports games. Once they win, the reputation of the country is built. Since the reputation of the country is so precious that it cannot be measured by money, athletes should be paid more as a kind of reward to celebrate their achievements. Consequently, it is quite fair that successful sports professional gain more wealth than people in other important areas. Hold China as an example to support this phenomenon. When Chinese athletes win in Olympic Games, they would receive a large amount of money from not only the central government, but regional government as well in that they are considered to gain reputation of China and they deserve these rewards.

In addition, those who believe that it is unfair to pay athletes more than others ignore the connection between the success of athletes and the image of the nation. They focus on how much money athletes earn, rather than the importance of national reputation. Hence, this claim is irrational and unreasonable.

To conclude, it is justified and reasonable that successful sports professionals receive more income than other specialists in various areas in that they build positive images for both themselves and the whole nation.

第 1 段：3 句话，75 个单词

第 2 段：6 句话，119 个单词

第 3 段：3 句话，51 个单词

第 4 段：1 句话，33 个单词

总计：13 句话，278 个单词

Task 1

Task Fulfillment: 8

Coherence & Cohesion: 7 连接词的使用相当不错。（使用“On the other hand”会比“Instead”更好。）有几处因为词汇/语法错误和不恰当的使用而有点难以理解。

Vocab & Sentence Structure: 5 （几处小错误）

Task 2

Arguments, Ideas & Evidence: 6. 论述、思路和论证的范围太过狭窄。

你对于“专业运动员”含义的解释与大多数外国人对于“专业运动员”的理解有所不同。其它的大部分国家对于奥运会冠军所给予的奖励与中国无法相提并论。 

大多数外国人在想到专业运动员的时候会想起像姚明或者泰格·伍兹（Tiger Woods）这样的人，而事实上你没有提到姚明之类的运动员，这让我觉得你对于“sports professional”的更广阔含义并不是很清楚。姚明是符合“ sports professional who earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions.”描述的一个完美的例子。显而易见，出题者的本意是让你对这一类运动员进行写作。换句话说，主要为其国家来进行竞赛（比如奥运会、亚运会等）的运动员并不是问题中所提及的高收入运动员。别忘了，雅思写作考题是在全世界范围内使用的，因此它也体现了世界性的情况，而不止局限于中国地区。如果你想了解中国以外的世界上其它地区的情况，就需要广读多看了。

写作题目中采用了“sports professional”这个术语而不是“professional athlete”显示了除了运动员本身以外，还有其他在体育行业中谋生的人士。你是否真正了解“professional”的含义呢？你的作文中的一个弱点是只提到了“sports professionals”中的一部分人。体育现在已经成为一个产业，顶级的体育管理者可以赚得高薪，而你的写作中却仅仅提到了专业运动员的一面。

没错，在中国的情况下，奥运冠军在返回祖国的时候能得到丰厚奖赏，而且其中很多人也都因为在奥运会上取得的成功而在体育界得到了待遇丰厚的职位（与其他专业人士相比）。诚然，这些人可以被算作“professional athletes”，或者当他们退役之后，如果他们打算继续在体育界工作的话也可以被划进这一类当中。进一步说，你在论点中提到国家荣誉的价值远远高于大部分的日常工作成就，这是一个可以让人接受的个人观点，但是这样激昂的爱国主义情绪在国外是很少见的，而雅思写作的考官恰好是外国人。但是，你在讨论“sports professionals”时选择中国的奥运金牌获得者，这造成了一个严重的缺点——他们的收入没有比其他专业人士（比如医生和工程师）多很多。在 Task 2 的写作中，保证事实的正确性是很重要的。

你对于国家荣誉的价值的看法是用来支持体育专业人士获得高薪的唯一论点。如果你对于国家荣誉如此重要的原因给予更详细的说明，那么你的论述会更加有力和有说服力。雅思考官希望在作文中看到多个论点，而不是一个。这些论点可以是用来支持一个中心论点的几个分论点，也可以是几个不同的中心论点。如果你对于国家荣誉的价值进行更加详细的讨论，那么这可以算作是“几个论点”。

此外，你把另一方的观点/感受定性为“irrational and unreasonable（无理的）”而完全对其完全不予讨论，只不过因为他们没有与你同样充沛的爱国热情。对于他们的观点/感受到底是如何或者为什么“irrational and unreasonable（无理的）”，你没有进一步给出任何细节。对于雅思写作中所应该包含的理性与逻辑性的论述，这一处做得并不好。写作题目的介绍部分中要求你给出你的看法以及另一方的看法，但是你并没有以平衡的“学术”式风格来完成这篇作文，而这正是西方大学里面所要求的。我重申：Task 2 的写作文风中应该包含你的个人观点和论述的另一方观点，而不要做出不予考虑的定论，比如将与你观点不同的看法称为“irrational and unreasonable”。[“不予考虑的定论”貌似给了你一个不错的原因，不用再进一步讨论这件事了。但这只是一个借口，而不是合理的原因。]

我们再来看一下题目中的措辞，就会注意到里面说到：“Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair”。基本上，你对于这高收入的正当性（justification）给出了自己的观点，但是却没有关注其合理性（fairness）这个问题；这两个概念并不相同，事实上，他们甚至没有联系。这即是说，“不公平”这个概念与国家荣誉的价值之间没什么关系。公平性则需要与他人进行对比，并了解其中是否达到了某种平衡。题目中称“others think this is unfair”。这些“他人（others）”是哪些人？又有哪些不公平？你没有触及到这些问题。对于这篇作文中的题目而言，“他人（others）”是指 people in other important professions（其他重要行业中的人），比如医生、律师、工程师等的。这个题目中所暗指的不公平性是指其他重要行业的专业人士比大多数体育专业人士所受的教育要多得多。假定受教育的（头脑发达的）人比身体技能发达和勇猛的人的内在价值要高，因为假设是受过良好教育的人比其他人对社会的贡献更大。基本上来说，这个讨论是对专业的体育人士和其他专业人士对于社会的重要性的比较。这会进一步涉及收入的分配方式——究竟一个人的收入应该严格反映他/她的教育水平、应该体现其工作对于社会的重要性、还是应该由“市场的力量”来决定。

如果你选择在写作中讨论像姚明一样年收入千万美元的专业运动员，这样的收入与医生、律师和工程师的一般收入进行任何比较都是没有意义而且很荒唐的。关于“公平”这个问题的本质现在已变成哲学问题，即体制是否应该允许任何一个人赚取天文数字的收入，而不仅仅是在专业人士之间进行比较了。最终，这次讨论会变为重新审视社会经济系统自身上面来。

依照传统，纳税是在不同人之间创造出一定程度的公平的方式，但是当我们在讨论每年收入上千万美元的人的时候，即使是高达 60% 的税率也可能显得过低了。

Communicative Quality: 6.

跟随你的逻辑思路还是相对比较简单的，而且你确实恰当地使用了一些连接词。

但是，我在有些地方必须要停下来，思考你真正要传达的意思是什么。例如，你在概述段中概括性地提到了专业运动员（即指世界范围内，因为你没有特别说明“在中国”）。你需要了解，Task 2 的话题是在全世界范围内使用的，这一点很重要。因此，其措辞适用于全世界范围，而非仅在中国。是的，在举例时，你可以也应该提及你最熟知的内容，那就是中国的情况。但是，当你在写中国的独特状况时，必须特别说明你在谈论中国的情况。（但是首先你必须知道这是有中国特色的情况！）[你在概述段中所提到的“有中国特色的情况”到底是什么？那就是“(professional) athletes represent not only themselves but also the image of the whole country（专业运动员不仅代表自己，也代表了整个国家的形象）”。大多数说英语国家的人士（比如雅思写作考官）不认为像贝克汉姆、泰格·伍兹、迈克尔·乔丹（如果他仍然在打球的话）或者甚至是罗杰·费德勒在任何程度上代表了他们的国家。但是你可能不了解这个事实情况。]

你应该在写作中尽量避免导致考官“停下来思考你要表达的意思”的情况——如果读者必须要这样做，就意味着你所传达的意思不够清楚。请记住，你在写作考试中的大目标就是与考官沟通，而不是使他“印象深刻”。

对于雅思考生而言（尤其是那些来自与主要英语国家的文化及社会背景相去甚远的国家的考生），你应该始终记得，自己不仅仅在力求超越语言障碍进行沟通，而且也在进行跨文化交流。这意味着你需要理解中国与诸如英国、澳大利亚和英国等国在文化和社会系统上有何不同。对于中国考生而言，你需要制度，自己所处的文化与社会基本上由两个部分构成：a) 传统的中国文化与社会，受到封建主义、儒家、道教和佛教的深远影响，以及 b) 自 1949 年以来发展的现代中国文化与社会。无论在这其中的任何一方面，中国人与大多数西方国家的人相比都有很大的不同。

Vocabulary & Sentence Structure: 6。

有几处（小）错，但是不错的句子和恰当的词汇弥补了这些不足之处。

Task 2 总分：6。

写作考试总分：Band 6.0（Task 2 比 Task 1 的权重大）

进一步的评论：

在谈到专业运动员的时候，有些运动员的高收入来自于广告代言——运动员及其团队的“商业价值”。

还有一个事实，那就是越来越多的专业运动员愿意代表自己的国家出征奥运会，与之相比，他们在几年前更加关注于如何赚取高收入。

你的观点的丰富性和论述的力度（包括逻辑性，而不仅仅是你的英语水准）是在 Task 2 写作中取得好分数的关键因素。这对于你的知识面、思维成熟度和教养程度都有一定要求。

广泛阅读是提升写作能力的关键所在。

*******************************

前往第 3 页